Report: Obama volunteers will continue to annoy

The Winnebago County Democratic Party Friday announced today that although Barack Obama has been elected president, overzealous volunteers will not cease to relentlessly bother Oshkosh residents by lit dropping, canvassing and making tiresome phone calls.

"We really want to make sure that people stay on their toes these next several years," said Democratic county chair Jef Hall. "We won't quit until Obama is re-elected in 2012.

The Obama campaign volunteers in Oshkosh, fueled largely by college students and older social outcasts, were seen diligently knocking on doors during Packers games, making phone calls at dinner time, and ironically wasting hundreds of reams of paper while dropping campaign literature for the environmentally conscious candidate.

According to a recent survey, the campaign’s efforts caused about 25,000 potential voters to stay home on election day, citing pure and utter frustration with the political process.

"I'm an Obama supporter, but seriously, four text messages in one day? How many times do I have to tell you people I'm gonna vote for him?" said one resident.

On a related note, there were no further reports as to why Jef Hall refuses to include a second 'f' in his first name.

Dorm Peeper Named RHD of Clemans Hall

In a surprise move, UW-Oshkosh officials named alleged bathroom peeper Allenn Umentum the new Residence Hall Director of Clemans Hall Thursday.

The post came just days after University Police Chief Mike Melland declared Umentum as "not a threat" to the campus community.

"As I've stated before, the bathroom peeper is no longer a problem here at the university," Melland said. "I consider this issue closed, and wish Mr. Umentum the best of luck at his new job."

Officials from Residence Life, the organization in charge of regulating on-campus housing, said that they were excited to welcome they're new co-worker.

"We decided that Clemens was an optimal place for Allen due to its freshmen-only status," said Taylor Hall Assistant RHD Kellie Ratzke. "It was a perfect fit, since he has experience dealing primarily with younger girls."

Timing was also impeccable, as outgoing Clemans RHD Brian McElroy was recently fired for thinking positively about alcoholic beverages.

"We can't have those kinds of thoughts among our staff," ResLife said in a statement. "It is our personal responsibility to ensure the safety of our residents, and that means simply no alcohol."

As of press time on Friday, Umentum had already molested four female residents. Melland was unavailable for comment.