Friday, April 18, 2008

Dorm Peeper Named RHD of Clemans Hall

In a surprise move, UW-Oshkosh officials named alleged bathroom peeper Allenn Umentum the new Residence Hall Director of Clemans Hall Thursday.

The post came just days after University Police Chief Mike Melland declared Umentum as "not a threat" to the campus community.

"As I've stated before, the bathroom peeper is no longer a problem here at the university," Melland said. "I consider this issue closed, and wish Mr. Umentum the best of luck at his new job."

Officials from Residence Life, the organization in charge of regulating on-campus housing, said that they were excited to welcome they're new co-worker.

"We decided that Clemens was an optimal place for Allen due to its freshmen-only status," said Taylor Hall Assistant RHD Kellie Ratzke. "It was a perfect fit, since he has experience dealing primarily with younger girls."

Timing was also impeccable, as outgoing Clemans RHD Brian McElroy was recently fired for thinking positively about alcoholic beverages.

"We can't have those kinds of thoughts among our staff," ResLife said in a statement. "It is our personal responsibility to ensure the safety of our residents, and that means simply no alcohol."

As of press time on Friday, Umentum had already molested four female residents. Melland was unavailable for comment.