Guy who thinks it's yesterday makes election predictions

by Dick Parker

Happy Tuesday everyone! Today's an important day in Wisconsin politics, so be sure you exercise your right to vote and head to the polls on this beautiful April 7. Personally, I was going to vote early at city hall, but I just love the feeling of voting at my local precinct, which I will do later today.

As you all know, I spend hours each day examining local politics. That being said, here are my predicitions for today's elections:

STATE SUPREME COURT JUSTICE

Koschnick over Abrahamson

The time has come for Shirley Abrahamson to go. Randy Koschnick is leading in the polls (I think) and this will be a suprise victory for highly-educated beareded men everywhere.

WINNEBAGO COUNTY EXECUTIVE

Jay Schroeder over Mark Harris

Despite his yard signs' clashing green and blue colors, Schroeder's "Win for Winnebago" slogan will dominate, much like Gerald Ford's "Whip Inflation Now" theme. Voters will ultimately decide that it's not important to have a county executive who speaks in complete sentences.

OSHKOSH MAYOR

Frank Tower over Paul Esslinger

Count on Tower to dominate this race, despite his campaign promise of a roundabout in everyone's driveway. In other words, Tower will rise above the competition.

OSHKOSH COMMON COUNCIL

Dick O'Day
John Hinz
Tony Palmeri

This one's a no-brainer. Dick O'Day has an obvious advantage due to voters' leftover high from St. Patrick's Day. John Hinz will breeze through due to the fact that people think he's Gordon Hintz's brother, and Tony Palmeri will sqeak by in third place, narrowly defeating outlier Steve Cummings. Jessica King will be last.

OSHKOSH AREA SCHOOL BOARD

Dennis Kavanaugh
Wayne Traska
John Daggett

The first two are obvious, but the surprise will be John Daggett's long-awaited election into public office. Daggett's election will usher in a new era to the OASB, one with late Wednesday nights due to excessive rambling.

Common Council Rankings -- Election Edition!

by the OshWatch staff

Here it is, the final Oshkosh Common Council rankings before the spring elections.  We collectively got a little teary-eyed as we looked back at the past two years.  It's been a journey -- sidewalks on River Mill, roundabouts, the firing of a city manager.  But, alas, all good things must end.  

And so, we present to you, the last installment of ranking the greatest city council in the history of Oshkosh:

1.  Tony Palmeri

T-7.  Bryan Bain, Frank Tower, Burk Tower, Paul Esslinger, Jessica King, Dennis McHugh.

Man with moderate political views ostracized

Oshkosh resident Scott Bollig has been effectively isolated from the people closest to him after expressing a political opinion consistent with his moderate beliefs.

The controversy began moments after Bollig, 36, indicated mild uncertainty about President Barack Obama’s budget proposal, causing a deep divide between his friends and family.

“I sure hope (Obama’s) plan works out, but I just don’t know,” Bollig reportedly said at approximately 10:42 a.m. Thursday. “I guess we’ll have to wait and see.”

Co-worker Mark Wilkinson immediately spread the word around their office about Bollig’s radical Socialist beliefs.

“I never pegged Scott as a liberal,” he said. “The government is taking over our lives, and (Bollig) has the nerve to not have a strong opinion? Wake up, man.”

Denise Marshal, with whom Bollig has met at a local coffee shop every Tuesday night for the past three years to listen to live music, was disgusted to hear about Bollig’s right-wing conservative views.

“I can’t believe Scott would support the same failed policies of the Bush administration,” she said. “We need change in this country, and he's just going to have to accept it.”

Marshal went on to assert that Bollig was “probably racist” and that he needed to admit that global warming is really happening.

Wilkinson, a self-proclaimed conservative, said he would continue to forward Bollig e-mails describing how Franklin D. Roosevelt’s New Deal was really a massive failure until the issue is resolved.

“I wouldn’t say I’m a Democrat or a Republican,” Bollig said. “I pretty much vote for the person with the most realistic plan.”

Palmeri's Demand for Open Government Rooted in Pro-Communication Bias

Tony Palmeri has always advocated open communication in city government.  However, there may be a deeper reasoning behind the Oshkosh Common Councilor’s so-called passion.

Watchdog group Media Matters revealed today that Palmeri’s profession as a Communications professor at UW-Oshkosh has left him with a strictly pro-communications agenda.

“More than ever, citizens are able to contact government officials with questions or comments,” charged opponent John Hinz. “This leaves us with a familiarity with city officials that most of us just aren’t comfortable with, and it’s all because of Palmeri.”

Hinz is just one of several challengers who will fight for Palmeri’s seat in the April 7 elections.

Fellow candidate Steve Cummings echoed Hinz, adding that the citizens of Oshkosh shouldn’t trust a man who has so clearly dedicated himself to studying the way people interact with each other.

“Palmeri tries to tell us that he wants to involve the public in city council decisions, but obviously he’s gunning for some kind of utopia where we’re all polite and friendly to each other,” said Cummings. “Not in my America, sir.”

Dick O’Day, another challenger, said that government needs to stay out of communications all together before laughing, making a noise like he just got punched in the gut.

“This is better left to private enterprise,” O’Day said. “Last time I checked, Verizon was doing a pretty darn good job of keeping us connected.  I don’t need the city government telling me how to communicate.”

Ironically, Palmeri could not be reached for comment.

Jay Schroeder, Jay Schroeder's friends support Schroeder for Executive

With a suprising level of success, Jay Schroeder has managed to rally both himself and most of his friends behind his run for County Executive.

"This is unprecedented," said UW-Oshkosh political science chair Jim Simmons. "Rarely do we see a little-known candidate like (Schroeder) able to gather up nearly all of his friends to support a run for public office."

Although support and general

 knowledge of his campaign has not yet reached beyond his tightly-knit, right-wing conservative circle of buddies, Schroeder remains optimistic.

"I've talked to everyone I know Winnebago County, and after I rant a little about the proposed sales tax by my opponent, my friends are more than willing to agree with me," he said, referring to incumbent Mark Harris.

The Neenah resident and failed county supervisor candidate has been seen around Oshkosh shouting at people about the County Executive's scheduled pay raise, and more recently has been making stops at the UW-Oshkosh campus.

"(Schroeder) came to talk to our student group about iTunes or something," said junior Calvin Bowen. "I don't really remember, I just know it took like 45 minutes."

When not campaigning, Schroeder can be found creating fake blog personas on the Northwestern's Web site, most of them aimed at personally attacking Harris.

"Mark Harris always looks like he's really tired," he said of the incumbent, a generally nice guy who has declined to engage in referring to Schroeder negatively in any way. 

Harris is expected to get at least 80 percent of the vote April 7. 

BREAKING NEWS: Tower not born in Oshkosh

In a stunning twist to the mayoral race, it has been revealed that Frank Tower may not have been born in Oshkosh, making him constitutionally ineligible to serve as mayor.

According to sources, Tower was actually born in Oconomowoc, a city about 80 miles south of Oshkosh. The news marks a crucial turn in an already contentious race.

"We need to know who the real Frank Tower is," said Tower’s opponent, Paul Esslinger. "He still has yet to admit that he was born in another city that starts with an ‘O’."

"This is huge," said Steve Ducey, host of Fox News’s Fox & Friends. "I don’t see how Frank Mussolini Tower can recover from this."

Tower’s campaign had no comment.

The OshWatch Common Council endorsements

As an objective and un-biased news organization, we feel that we haven’t done our part in expressing our opinions.  Therefore, we unveil our official OshWATCH Common Council endorsements for the April election!

It has taken a great deal of critical thought and many a fistfight over the copy editors’ desk to arrive at our conclusions.  City editor Michael Barnhill, you will be sorely missed.

Our first choice is obvious: Dr. Tony Palmeri.  Words fail to express how much we love this man.  Whether it’s stating his level of comfort with various ordinances and resolutions or noticably annoying city administrators with hard-hitting questions, we just can't get enough of the entertainment value that comes with Palmeri on the Council.  It just wouldn't be the same without him.

We would have been happy to endorse Jessica King (for a small fee), but she failed to show up for the last debate, citing some kind of lawyerish activity.  Therefore, she is shunned.  No endorsement for you.

We can also skip over that John Hinz guy.  Can anybody say boring? 

A responsible news outlet would pass over Dick “Omar” O’Day, ignoring the disgruntled, anti-development candidate.  Luckily, we are not that type of organization.  We therefore endorse Mr. O’Day, along with his delightfully creepy laugh.  Also, he is against everything, which you have to respect.

Our last spot was left up to either Steve Cummings or Bob Poeshl.  Cumming made some good points, especially when he compared the Oshkosh city government to the Gestapo in Nazi Germany (he literally did, watch the tape).   However, Poeshl provided eye-catching campaign buttons at the last debate, which we always appreciate.  He gets the nod.

So, to review, here are the candidates we endorse for Common Council:
Tony Palmeri
Richard “Dick” “Omar” O’Day
Bob Poeshl

Please exercise your right to vote on April 7.  Unless you're an idiot, in which case please stay home.

Method to streamline critical thought discovered

by Adam Mustain, Public Affairs Reporter
The OshWatch 

Philosophy professors at the University of Wisconsin Oshkosh today annouced that they have discovered a new way of constructing arguments.

The method, still technically in development, allows an individual to make up his or her mind up about an issue first, followed by research to back up that specific opinion.  This is in sharp contrast to the previous method, which involved comparative studies and historical analysis to reach a conclusion.

"With this discovery, we can skip all of that busy work and set right out to find other peoples' opinions that support our own," said David Gilboa, a political philosophy professor.  "Using the Internet, we're talking 10 minutes, tops."

In the past, Gilboa said, proper logic and research required reflection and actual consideration of alternative possibilities.  The new method saves time and frees the mind from critical thinking, allowing more time to watch For the Love of Ray J and other VH1 programming. 

Although new to the academic field, the method has reportedly been used for decades by politicians and talk radio hosts.  It has also recently gathered an impressive loyal following with online bloggers. 

"This is a truly exciting discovery," Gilboa said. "No longer do I have to waste my time with a bunch of useless concepts, theories and facts."

Common Council Rankings

Often it seems that those in the media like to take a "watchdog" stance on politics, making sure everything in government is working the way it should be. However, here at OSHWATCH®, we like to reward and chastise randomly. Therefore, we hereby unveil an bi-weekly ranking of Oshkosh Common Councilors based on performance, appearance, opinions and hair. Every other week the winner will receive a slightly-deserved pat on the back.

Here are the rankings as of March 5, 2009:

1. Tony Palmeri (obviously)
2. Paul Esslinger (always agrees with Palmeri)
3. Mayor Tower (can always fall back on his second career as a male model)
4. Jessica King (refers to her seat as the "state senate of Oshkosh municipal government"...then weeps quietly)
5. Dennis McHugh (always good for the Council to have a cranky old man)
6. Burk Tower (doesn't "measure up" to the other Tower)
7. Bryan Bain (he knows why)

Attention Councilors:  There is a meeting next Tuesday.  Please take advantage to improve your rankings. 

Commentary: William A. Carpenter shows us the way

In the March 1 issue of The Northwestern, a living legend named William Arnold Carpenter wrote one of the most eloquently-written letters to the editor we have ever encountered, titled "Obama, Democrats making matters worse."  In it, he blasted President Obama’s stimulus bill using a short, staccato-like sentence structure the likes of which we have never seen.

And let us be frank: WE COULDN’T AGREE MORE!*

However, you don’t need to trust us.  Here are some real examples of William Anderson Carpenter’s flawless logic and insight.

At one point in the letter, Mr. Carpenter cites, “The day that the secretary tried to explain the plan at a news conference, economists laughed at it.”  By now we have all seen the footage of the roomful of economists bursting out in uncontrollable hysterics upon hearing details of the stimulus bill from Press Secretary Robert Gibbs.  In fact, it’s difficult to find an economist these days who doesn’t at least chuckle at the thought of economic recovery.

Let us not forget this “full sentence” from his letter: “U.S. bad credit rating like California.”  Here, Mr. Carpenter shows us that he doesn’t even need to have a complete thought to have an opinion.  Proper grammar is elitist, anyway.

And, finally, Mr. Carpenter leaves us with some valuable advice: do not rely on network news or your unions (widely considered the #2 source for news) for unbiased coverage.  Instead, follow his lead and receive all of your information from sources like Fox News and talk radio.  After all, news tends to lose its effect when not in the form of opinion shouted at you angrily.

Thank you, William Alberto Carpenter, for your heroics in writing. Lesser men would have given the stimulus bill a chance and not blamed the entire economic crisis on President Obama. You, sir, are a true patriot.

 

*Editor’s note: Capitalization is used here for an “I’m screaming at you” effect.  Pretty impressive, eh?