In the March 1 issue of The Northwestern, a living legend named William Arnold Carpenter wrote one of the most eloquently-written letters to the editor we have ever encountered, titled "Obama, Democrats making matters worse." In it, he blasted President Obama’s stimulus bill using a short, staccato-like sentence structure the likes of which we have never seen.
And let us be frank: WE COULDN’T AGREE MORE!*
However, you don’t need to trust us. Here are some real examples of William Anderson Carpenter’s flawless logic and insight.
At one point in the letter, Mr. Carpenter cites, “The day that the secretary tried to explain the plan at a news conference, economists laughed at it.” By now we have all seen the footage of the roomful of economists bursting out in uncontrollable hysterics upon hearing details of the stimulus bill from Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. In fact, it’s difficult to find an economist these days who doesn’t at least chuckle at the thought of economic recovery.
Let us not forget this “full sentence” from his letter: “U.S. bad credit rating like California.” Here, Mr. Carpenter shows us that he doesn’t even need to have a complete thought to have an opinion. Proper grammar is elitist, anyway.
And, finally, Mr. Carpenter leaves us with some valuable advice: do not rely on network news or your unions (widely considered the #2 source for news) for unbiased coverage. Instead, follow his lead and receive all of your information from sources like Fox News and talk radio. After all, news tends to lose its effect when not in the form of opinion shouted at you angrily.
Thank you, William Alberto Carpenter, for your heroics in writing. Lesser men would have given the stimulus bill a chance and not blamed the entire economic crisis on President Obama. You, sir, are a true patriot.
*Editor’s note: Capitalization is used here for an “I’m screaming at you” effect. Pretty impressive, eh?
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